Difference (Short Story)


Deep breath... The sound of it in your ears has a cooling effect on you. No wonder they say when you feel scared or panic, just take deep breaths and life will seem more in control. I guess whoever said that felt something like I am feeling right now.

Life has been more or less monotonous since I got here. If you try to see through my eyes you will know what I am trying to say.

7.45 AM sharp; the shrill sound of the alarm, the struggle to get ready, heading out the door with the breakfast still in the mouth, moving through a million bobbing heads at the station, dabbing the keyboard in office and back through the another wave of bobbing heads to end another day in my calendar.

Every day as I move through this crowd, the same feeling, the same flashes, the same dream haunting me again and again.....

A loud bang, smoke and debris everywhere, screams and cries ringing loud in my ears... people running all around... a lot of blood… body parts everywhere... sirens... curses.... and then the shrill “eeeeeee” in my ears fading out all sounds.... I can't hear anything else now... only sights all around and I don't know which way to look...

Most times I shake myself to find I am standing right there at the very spot of the incident with fear in my face, sweat dripping down my spine, staring into infinity... The same spot that I see day after day after day explode in my head. Is this how it will happen? Is it even going to happen? Only time will tell, till then I need to get to my home, the only place I find really safe.....

Living alone on a street where you have absolute silence around you. You have lots of time... time to think…. to peek into what you have missed so far by being a part of the rat race… What has been your contribution to this world.... in most occasions I get the same answer "Nothing". Its saddening but I know there is still time.... and my time will come…

But today… today was different... something changed and the events of the whole day are greater than I imagined...

The buzz of the telephone, early in the morning, a familiar voice, my best friends voice (at least I think he is)

"It is time brother...."

Today I was not in a hurry to get ready or have breakfast or run to office.... the rat race can take a break...

Deep breath...

I am standing at the very place I dream of everyday, but today it's not the same... Even the ticks of the clock up ahead seem too loud for my ears. I can hear everyone... everything. It feels like I can hear even the thoughts of the people around me... 

Ice-cream, ice-cream, I want ice-cream... I have a headache mama, I can't go to school today... last night?? Don't ask... He was done in 5 minutes (giggles)... I think my husband is cheating on me (sob)... if I screw todays paper... Its bye-bye Harvard....

Yet nobody seems to know what's going in my head… nobody knows what I am there to do.... My finger on the button that triggers the lines of C4 explosives on my chest....

"The answer to that my brother, you will get when the time comes... it will be answered by your faith, loyalty and your duties towards your own..."

The reply to a simple question...

"If the time comes to press the button and I get that one last hesitation. How will I manage to convince myself to go through with it??"

My friend, my guide... I think he knew me too well... for the answer was a smart one. It was not really an answer; it was the path to what I already knew... It was the one-last confirmation I was looking for...

For years my people have been harassed, butchered and oppressed, while I turned a blind eye and continued to live my life. I wouldn't have seen the truth, the reality if I hadn't met my friend. He was the one who showed me the true purpose of my life...that I was meant to be the savior, the one who fixes things and makes life better for our people. To shake the very roots of scare away from our lives the one who torture us... I was destined to be the warrior for our people, for my faith and to die a noble death...

"May I know what you are doing there sir?? Sir? What are you doing standing there sir?? Please take your hands out of your jacket where I can see them and follow me to the side... I am speaking to you sir..."

Damn, see what a moments lapse, a small mistake can do... he shouldn't be here... I have a task to finish...

"Officer… I am sorry... I didn't realize I was standing in the middle of the walk like that... I was lost in thoughts actually…"

"You need to come with me sir… over to the other side, I need to ask you a few questions. Please co-operate sir."

Fuck!! I need to get away and fast... I really don't need this...

"What is wrong officer?? Have I done something wrong??"

"You need to come with me to my office. We would like to ask you a few questions."

Deep breath as I close my eyes... I need to be with myself to get through this....

"I am sorry officer; I do not have time for you."

"Huh!!"

No chance, give them no chance was the plan, he's going to have a bad headache for days if he ever lives through this, but now I need to get myself out of their way and I need some hostages, I need a survival plan for the next few minutes, hostages, hostages....

"Nobody moves or makes a sound... or blow up this bomb... everyone on the floor… on the floor I say if you don't want to die...”

“Just shut up and stay on the floor... or I will blow all of us up... down… down… down… down....."

The sound of panic and screams have already begun, the stampedes has already started. Feeble minds, can't even accept the reality of their own death. One day you have to die, why be so scared when it is actually freedom from the millions of problems you have while living. Its living that's actually scarier...

At least 30 hostages... Check.

Door locked... Check.

Explosive armed and ready... Check.

Window so they can partially see me... Check.

Finger secured on button... Check.

Ready to die...??

"You don't need to do this... put your hands up and surrender... listen to us... surrender now or we will shoot you down... you don't need to die or kill so many people here... I repeat... put your hands up and surrender..."

But I know otherwise… they will not shoot with my finger still on the button... they shoot… I jerk… KA-BOOM!!!

The fear, the screams… curiosity… curses and the questions… run I say for this bomb will take out a more than just this building. A lot of you are still going to die... I can hear you all. I can hear you as clear as my heartbeat...

My life already flashing in front on my eyes...my heart will pop out if it beats any faster... damn. What have I gotten myself into?? It's too late to back out now... I should do it... in a few micro seconds, I will be free… my part on this planet done. I become a martyr for some and some will brand me a terrorist...

"It doesn't matter my friend, for you will have proved our point, that we are not weak... we can fight for our right to stay in this world... and we are not ready to give in..."

How did he convince me to do it?? Did I really believe that line they told me or was it that some part of me already wanted to believe it and this was just a push in the right direction?

"Surrender right now and we will not shoot you down. You do not have to go through with this... tell us what you want... we will listen..."

Shut up... you are only adding to damn voices in my head... damn… damn… damn… breathing loud and fast… finger, sweaty now... moving on the button...

I spent days preparing for this day... what am I afraid of now?? One press and everything is over... then why am I feeling afraid??? Why am I shaking to do that I was born to do???

Am I doing something wrong?? Am I wrong and these people are really innocent??

"They are not innocent... don't you ever think they are innocent... they are the ones who make and elect the people who are doing this to us... Don't you dare think they are innocent they are as guilty as the ones who actually do the act."

What do I trust now?? These words that were used to convince me over and over again or what the fear and chaos I see in front of my eyes...

The screams and tears in my head or the screams and tears in front me...

Why at this juncture I am feeling that these are common people, these are innocent people… these are not the ones we are at war with…

Are they innocent?? I don't think I even know what that means anymore....

“Do not do anything stupid… We are ready to negotiate your terms…”

More screams in my head... eyes shut... the same dream, the same flashes... my finger tightening on the button... I should just press it and get it over with...

Do I call this the last temptation or the last chance to opt out… to put right what I may be doing wrong... the question reeling in my head "What I do today; how does it change things??"

I spent days trying to figure out how to get the question out of my head so I don't back out… yet I never thought about the answer to it. It is the time to get the answer to that question... and time is something that is becoming costlier by the second.... think fast think fast.

"What are your demands... let us know... we will give you everything... no one has to die here... we are ready to co-operate... do not do this..."

If I do blow up now, I am free… no more conscience or anything to worry about.

If I don't, I will be arrested; detained and maybe tortured... it will be hell.

"Please listen to us... you will not be harmed... you can talk to us..."

If I do it... our power is shown to the whole world... If I don't... our weakness is.

"I repeat we will give you everything you want... do not need do this..."

If I get caught, I speak and everything gets blown… I make many more enemies… out there to kill me... But maybe a few people will understand... Can I really dream that turning me in will make these people think that we are not all bad and not all of us think violence or taking lives to prove a point is the way to go?? I may have been misguided by the wrong people and that not all of us are the same.... Some of us just want peace and a better life... we want to be looked on as inhabitants of this planet and not weed that needs to be taken out....

I know I can't convince the ones who put me up here today in this position, but can I dare to have a child's dream and hope that they will get what I want to say and slowly things will in fact get better and they will change the way they look at all of us.. If that happens, it will put people promoting violence out of business.... and no need for people like me to die....

"Let us know of your demands... what is it that you need?? Let us know and we will give it to you...."

Is it a chance... a risk I can take?? Or what I am to do today really necessary to fix things for us... maybe these fanatics are really my friends and they are right… you need a loud bang to make yourself heard to the deaf....

The sweat now moving fast across my face... my spine... around my ears.... my hands still shaking....

If I do it, everyone will know why… if I don't... will anyone understand why I did what I did??  And why did I??

If I do it... will my people stop being harassed and things will improve for them by imposing fear... or will only our roles get reversed??? We become to oppressor and them the oppressed??

“Are you still there?? Please do not do anything in a hurry….. Do not press the button…”

No… No... Not questions... I need answers... I need the answers.... The finger shaking... end it ... now.....

"The answer to that my brother, you will get when the time comes" it is time… and I am only more confused with the clock ticking.....

Deep breath... The sound of it in your ears has a cooling effect on you. No wonder they say when you feel scared or panic, just take deep breaths and life will seem more in control. I guess whoever said that felt something like I am feeling right now.

"I trust the way I raised you my son... you are made to do the right thing... you can never do anything that will make me lower my head in shame..."

My mother... she always believed I will make her proud… make all of us proud... to do the right thing...

The dreams every day; I guess it was a way of my mind to tell me something... to show me something... to prepare me for something...

I think I understand now... I get the answer... what I do today will change a lot of things… I know at least my loved ones will understand I was not wrong... and that's what matters… doesn't it??

Deep breath….

Who am I?? I have no name, I have no religion... I have a point to prove, to tell the world what "I" want... and todays the day I do that.... today… I will make a difference to the world...

My finger… moves... away from the button and with my hands into the air...

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